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Soul searching . . .

Today as I was traveling through Mumbai I saw the tall glass buildings and thoughts came back to me when I dreamt of working in these places and doing some great stuff. Now that I am an Advisory at KPMG, I am working in not one but with many companies who have such offices - I will be interacting with CIO's, CTO's and other senior people. But as happens most of the times - this success has lost its sheen.
I am today a person whom many admire and many envy - but all this professional success has also raised many questions within me. I have lived a life of an individualist (not selfish at all but you can say my locus of control is internal) - I did what I felt was correct, I stood to my own ideals and ideas, was always in competition with myself and never thought what others will think. At the same time since I think that living for others is 'real' living so my attitude was never selfish. But somehow I think I have failed to make personal bonds - I have friends, many friends and many good friends as well, but everyone still looks like 'at arm's length'. This may be my perception but that what I have felt. I do not share am intimate relationship with anyone for sure.
This is in a way a very lonely life. Though its true that in life everyone feels lonely at times. But I think of those who haven't made that great a professional success but have been involved with some really close and special relationships - aren't they happy? They surely are; then what's the difference between me and them - both of us are happy. I mean when you read scriptures or may be in childhood you are mostly inspired to get professional success - but is it really worth it. Isn't it better to be not-so-successful but lead a simple happy life. Is a simple life a better life - is a non-ambitious life a better life. If not, Why? What is the difference between my life and that life? I am confused.

As a leader, as the 'different-guy' I have realized on thing -
1. People are very impressed by you
2. You are like a hero to others
3. Many appreciate you and admire you
4. But for you your achievement loses its sheen
5. Most people will rather appreciate you than accompany or follow you
6. hardly anyone understands you - though all look up to you

At the end of the day you find yourself a very lonely person amongst the crowd of people whom you would want to understand you; you would have loved to spend time with them but they don't connect to you; you find as if you have dome a sin by being the different person - and you are paying a price for not sacrificing your 'self' to the society.

4 comments to " Soul searching . . . "

  1. What a wonderful post! I couldn't stop myself reading your other posts as well.
    You are absolutely right about achievers. People either envy them or worship them. Hardly anyone treats them "normally." Eithers they inspire fear or awe. I have a very close case in my own home. Even sometimes parents fall victim to this "hero worship" syndrome.
    Can I link your blog?

  2. Hey Nikhil...
    I think about it day in and day out.. and even i dont have an answer for this...

  3. Hey Nikhil,
    gud 2 c ur blogs. wat u wrote is true...but u don't have to connect to the ppl who do not connect 2 u( i.e who only look up 2 u )
    ther r other ppl in the world too... look around u baba. There is friendship all around u
    keep connecting

  4. me reading ur blog after a long time.. dont have regular net access these days :( ..
    what u wrote is absolutely right.. success has it's side effects.. i felt that a lot during my engg. days.. when people used to think that i was an omniscient nerd, just coz. i used to somehow manage to get more marks than others..
    "it's lonely at the top"
    another observation that i have made about success is the fact that asuccessful person needs to show greater maturity and humbleness in behavior than any ordinary guy.. otherwise he will be castigated as being arrogant and haughty.. i am sure u will feel this as u go along..
    'with great power, comes great responsibility"..


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